At first sight you enjoyed this mess. Admit it. Come on! It fucking moves when you tilt your phone. That’s crazy!
But now… You’re a little bitter, right? iOS7 has turned into that new girlfriend who finally admits, she’s not shaving above the knee anymore. Or your new guy for that matter, who’s now perfectly comfortable farting while you’re around – we’re buddies! Yay.
Either way. It’s true. You spend so much time with your mobile operating system, it might just as we’ll be your lover; and you’re about to be proposed to.
Wisely, the laissez-preppy English know-it-all, Ive has summoned a decree last week that nobody is to revert their iOS back to a state where it is not ‘so simple and so beautiful’. The pogrom of skeueomorphic interface design has reached its final solution and the dork designers who took the time to look up this monstrosity and took even more time to make it sound as if it was part of their everyday vernacular, will soon have forgotten all about it.
It would have been worth another look; but that’s only the author’s humble opinion.
You, are in for the long haul.
We might just as well accommodate and nourish the hate that warms our hearts where the Jesus Phone failed. Because this is where Apple was wrong all along. You cannot love something forever. But you can hate, for as long as that thing is around – and you are alive.
So if you find your heart naked and alone in dark water and something bald, violently English and condescending is coming its way, here are a few tips that will load a few more charges of coal and tires into that old, hateful furnace.
/Choose a white background for your wallpaper. Your app icons loose their structured original shape, leaving you with a mess of oddly inbalanced shapes and unfortunate colours that will make you wish Samsung’s Aspburger UI guru designed your home screen.
/Activate private browsing. Just try to find the button to activate this. I dare you. If you commute, you can also try to achieve this in sessions.
/Browse your contacts for your personal card. If your face comfortably fills the new circular picture format, you’re too fat.
/Bookmark this webpage. This is not a Blow online marketing ploy but unless you’re already suffering from a personality disorder it’s not intuitive to associate ‘sharing’ with ‘bookmarking’.
/Touch the display with the tip of your nose while you pinch with both hands. This iOS gesture doesn’t do jack shit, but wouldn’t it be something if we had a gesture substituting for the home button? Think about it (and take your nose off the phone)!
/Open the weather app and tap on the degrees displayed as a big number in the individual city view. Yes! That’s a fucking button! But who would have guessed, now that all buttons and display text look the same? Hope it’s not too humid where you’re at.
/Check out your podcast app. Nothing changed. You still don’t have the Blow Show show notes. If you don’t have it at all, search the store for the Blow Show, subscribe and listen to ‘#71 Being Jony Ive’ for a prolonged rant.
Ok, one last one:
/Locate the FaceTime icon. Just look at that.