The Monkey That Fucked The Lion

“Ok March… well, so in a circus, ok, there’s a monkey. He’s sitting in his cage, alright? And then, one night, the monkey he’s like, he thinks to himself ‘Man, I’m so horny, I could fuck a lion’. He climbs out of his cage and sneaks up on the lion. Then he fucks him from behind.”

This is exciting. I grab another slice of pizza and wash it down with some beer.

“The Lion doesn’t notice anything at first, right? Because he was so fast asleep. But he wakes up now and he says – more to himself – ‘What the fuck was that?!’. He looks around. But the monkey is already back in his cage again.”

“That’s good. Quite funny, actually. The monkey’s fucking the lion… okay.”

“Yes, exactly! The monkey is back in his cage, alright, and he thinks ‘Man, that was so much fun, I have to do it again’. So he climbs down to the Lion again… No, fuck, wait, wait, …no! Shit! Did the lion talk to the monkey already?

At about 1:30 AM, we’re sitting in one of the pseudo strip booths in Naked’s Sydney office. It’s 2011. Lionel and I are working the night through.

“Ok, alright then, forget that. So the monkey is going down to the lion another time. And he fucks him from behind again, ok? But now the lion wakes up right away and the monkey runs off. The lion right after him of course, around the tent behind the circus ring. The monkey almost makes it back to his cage, when the lion comes up and… Fuck! Shit! Man, sorry. Sorry, March. Ok, so when he’s chasing after the monkey it’s dark and the lion doesn’t quite know exactly who it was, okay?”

“It’s quite a complicated joke, yes?”

“No buddy, nah, I just fuck it up like an idiot every time, I… it’s really not.”

“Sure man, I trust you. So the monkey is back in the cage and the lion knows that someone tapped his ass – I think I got it so far, yes?”

“Yeah, yes, ok. So the lion comes to the monkey’s cage and asks him ‘Hey, you monkey, tell me, do you have any idea if…’ Fuck me! That’s bullshit dude! I’m so dumb!”

“Fuck Lionel, seriously now! It’s a joke about a monkey fucking a lion. Get it together. I want to get home at some point, man! What’s wrong this time?”

“No, fuck March, really… dude, fuck, I’m so stupid. I forgot something.”

“Fuck off! Don’t tell me the light was on all along?!”

“Oh no, not that. Shit, no! Man! I’m so fuckin stupid! Such a fucking silly joke, dude. Fuck!”

“Lionel, easy. Man. Ok, cut the shit and just tell the joke!”

“Ok then. So the lion runs after the monkey; but can’t really see him clearly. He loses the monkey, who’s already back in the cage, alright? So the lion comes to the cage and the monkey’s just sitting there, as if nothing happened and he’s reading a newspaper’ – Shit!… just a sec… fuck.”

“Wow, Lionel…wow.”

“No, wait, I got it! Wait, ok. So in the monkey cage of course, there’s a quite a few monkey’s there, right? Not just the one that fucked the lion, ok?”

“It’s ok by me.”

“Ok, so the lion comes to the monkey who’s reading a paper as if nothing happened. The lion asks him ‘Hey, tell me, did you see a monkey running around outside?’ The monkey looks up from his newspaper, frowns and says ‘Oh, the one that fucked the lion?’

The lion then ‘What?! It’s already in the paper?!'”



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