Many people don’t know this, but there is an online rumour that now POTUS Donald J. Trump was giving a sponsored product presentation, in another body, only a few months ago. You cannot help but wonder how this might impact his actions in the first 100 days of his presidency.
Still on YouTube, it’s October 26th, 2016 and Donald Trump staggers animated onto the stage, like a dildo on a suction cup, on a boat, in front of the assembled gadget press and under the applause of a dozen planted shills. Unfamiliar with this body, he raises his arms like a flightless bird to animate the audience. It’s the Microsoft Surface Studio live demo and two of the boxy computers have been installed on stage.
‘Welcome! Today is gonna be great. Very great. We have a great product for you and boy is it amazing. If you look at it, and you can look at both of these. Or each one, really…’ each of not really his hands points to one of the Microsoft computers, ‘…it’s, it is built to pull you in, and I’ll explain this, it’s so fundamentally built to immerse you. It will suck you in, believe me. It will do that too, ok. The new Microsoft Surface Studio.’
With that, the president turns one of the computers to the side, as if to show that there is no hidden pulling or suction device behind it.
‘This product is beautiful.’ His regular sized fingers gently touching the display, teasing it, like a tiny sausage inside regular sized sausage would a dachshund. ‘It’s actually so beautiful, it’s weird to say it’s beautiful. It is! Every time we show it to people, they just say, it’s so beautiful. It’s true. People know this.’ He… smiles?
What is this?!
Imagine the cum-face of an idiot right after taking a juicy bite out of a lemon – this face does not suit him!
100% Donald Trump turns the aluminium encased screen again.
‘This is no trick,’ he says. ‘It’s built to be so versatile. Incredibly versatile. If I have to do a-show-me-show-you scenario; I can move it. Move it. Turn it. Turn it anyway I want. Now all of you people here can see the screen. I turned it. This is just a tremendous product.’
He spreads his arms about hip-high, both hands open and drops his jaw, just a little – imagine an Inuit greeting a fridge. This is crazy! Anyone can tell, this is not his real body, right? Am I crazy?! It’s so awkward.
‘If you look at this product,’ the soon to be president of the United States in his car salesman body continues, ‘there’s a few ways to wrap your mind around it.’
I’m just glad there’s more than one! I was seriously afraid, I wouldn’t get it.
‘Remember David William Hearn? Good guy. Good friend of mine. Last year, I talked about David William Hearn.’
He squints hard to peer through the stage lights as if to jog the crowd’s memory with a stiff look.
‘No? Ok, maybe it was somewhere else… Now do you remember? Either way, we talked about David, ok. He finds his flow with Surface. So great. Flow. What a tremendous guy. He creates beautiful symphonies. That’s what today is about. We’re all creators. It’s true. We all are. Listen to this.’
A David Hearn song is playing. The Microsoft crew behind the scenes must be ecstatic. It worked!
‘All the ideas…’ He has his hands behind his head like an elk impersonator? – No. A volley! A barrage of ideas! That’s what he’s gesturing – Yes! ‘All the ideas, we put into this product. It’s the truth, many ideas. So many. And also the ideas you have, they will get better with this product. They have to. That’s what it was designed for. The greatest ideas.’
‘I’m a creator in documents, ok? I know, it sounds weird. But it’s what I am. Not buildings. I have never done buildings.’
Come on now! Who does he think he’s fooling?!
‘If you create documents. In Word. That’s what you use, right? I use Word. Or you use something else. Maybe you use something else, ok, and you struggle to see what your design looks like in the real world. A design on an A4 paper, ok. You design it with all your design creativity. You are in it. Inside your design world. That’s great. That’s your world. But, and that’s critical, you have no idea what it would look like in the real world. No idea at all. So sad. It’s not real. The real world is real. Fact.’
With two index fingers up, he’s air quoting ‘fact’. Did he mean to do that? Or is it because his tiny extremities are unable to fit these hams?
‘Now, look here – and the ladies in the audience, and I know there are a lot of great ladies here today, hold on to your tits. They might fall off, ok. I have an A4 paper in my hand here. That’s no magic, just paper. Now, if I place this here on the screen, I hope people can see this at home, it has exactly the same size as my paper on the screen… Tremendous. Now you can let go of those knockers.’
He drops the paper.
Not even his plants can read the president’s intention behind this obtuse face and everyone’s just staring at each other. But you don’t win the Republican nomination if mindless expressions confound you.
‘Let’s talk about the numbers, ok. I love numbers. But the numbers and facts, presented for computers by government and the media, and you know this, this product here surpasses them all. Believe me. You should dump your current computer right now. In a few years, you will thank me. It’s true. This is the best computer. All these amazing processors and unique parts, represented by processors and unique parts, they all fit into this shiny little box with only one cable coming out the back. One cable, ok. You can see it right here.’
Yes, he would soon be the commander in chief of the most powerful army in the world, but he really needs to let this one sink in. One cable. Coming out of a metal box.
‘Ok, We talked about the screen. It’s amazing. So important if you love computers. We, me and my team, we made it possible for you to use it with all the perspectives: Drafting, sketching or typing. Ok. What did I call it earlier? And you might have heard me say that before… ‘making’. You make things, on the screen. And nothing can get in your way. We made it so it’s always right there.’
What was getting in my way? Anyway. Problem solved.
‘But why is it there? Many people don’t know this, because you don’t see that in the NY Times, but it was critical to make these hinges. The ones over here. Yes. Cause they are crictical. They are zero gravity hinges. Zero, ok? That’s less than 0.1. The only hinges that could lift this beautiful 13lbs display. You can look this up, it’s true.’
Mr Trump, cautioning the audience to this alternative fact, is waving his middle finger and ends up looking like he’s flipping himself off. His hands are all over this thing. Just let him out. We all know!
‘Now let’s talk about the surface pen,’ he says. ‘Surely one of my favourite objects on the planet.’
My guess would have been Melania or maybe an old, engraved tooth he carries in a leather pouch around his neck.
The now elected leader of the free world bends awkwardly over the computer to write on the screen. The tiny door to the hatch in his back to enter this dummy body is protruding from his suit. It’s that, or he has tiny demon wings. What’s more likely?
‘You can see the Surface Dial in my huge hand? It’s tremendous. And the dial, it created a wheel on the centre of the screen, ok? You noticed my ink went away? That was purposefully, you guys can all write this down. But notice what happens when I turn the wheel the other way?’
He’s blocking the screen with this 00s tech geek body and none of the people in the audience, and in their own bodies, can see a thing.
‘I can recreate the ink, or I can take it away at any time. Any time. I could do it tomorrow or after the inauguration… I said ‘Latin Nation’ ok? You have heard me say this before. I say it all the time. I love Mexicans.’
He must have grimaced violently because his body’s face now looks like someone pitched a tent in it. The woods are burning, team.
‘When my team, my friends at Microsoft, look at this document and they want to recreate my emotions, they can see it because it came out of my hand.’
Holy shit! This is code! He knows. Trump knows! He’s calling for an extraction!
‘If I had typed that message, you would not have the inner pieces that came with it. You wouldn’t. Those three exclamation points may not look the same. One might have been written slower or faster, ok? It’s so important. Believe me. It’s t…’
The go-between body jerks around and collapses on stage, revealing the stunning and immersive beauty of a 13lbs, 5K Microsoft Surface Studio display on zero gravity hinges.
‘DONALD, I THINK THEY LIKE YOUR PRODUCT!!!’