The Dog Says, You Got Drugs

Someone taps me on the shoulder. ‘Yep. What’s up, man?’ ‘The dog says, ‘You got drugs.’ We’ve been here for about 20 minutes. Long enough to be trick-hugged by the girls next to us who came to order Martinis and go to the bathroom. ‘This dog right here?’ I ask a guy in a train […]

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The Man Who Knows Everything

The man who knows everything is my girlfriend’s dad. ‘That’s so convenient!’ you would rightly assume, putting myself epistemologically well ahead of the general populace. 

Sheer incredulity warrants a closer look at what’s described as ‘Knows Everything’ in the throw-away title of this blog post. The man doesn’t really ‘know’ everything, in the sense you and I would associate with ‘knowing’. It’s not the truth. But that said, it could be.

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This is Blow, right?

Our new website. It’s complicated. Just under our logo, a space is set for what is technically referred to as ‘a blurb’. Once populated with the right words, it will convey to even the most impervious mind what kind of site their little-thought-search-term landed them on. That’s sort of my job for this new website. […]

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The Monkey That Fucked The Lion

“Ok March… well, so in a circus, ok, there’s a monkey. He’s sitting in his cage, alright. And then, one night, the monkey he’s like, he thinks to himself ‘Man, I’m so horny, I could fuck a lion’. He climbs out of his cage and sneaks up on the lion. Then he fucks him from behind.” I […]

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The Kids are all White

We are waiting for our food to arrive. I notice there is an unmistakable ‘beachy’ taste to the St Kilda McDonalds Burger Restaurant. It smells of algae and jellyfish. Maybe I’m just hungry. There is sand in every possible crevice and a salty, thin layer of magic on every piece of furniture – If you’re […]

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How you like me now?

On first sight you enjoyed this mess. Admit it. Come on! It fucking moves when you tilt your phone. That’s crazy! But now… You’re a little bitter, right? iOS7 has turned into that new girlfriend who finally admits, she’s not shaving above the knee anymore. Or your new guy for that matter, who’s now perfectly comfortable […]

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Gonzoil

Extra virgin olive oil from Vico del Gargano, Italy, mixed with the greased tremor of Australian chillies, sun-dried and infused in the Cross of Kings.

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No Thrilla in Manila

So I just got back from Manila in the Philippines for my best friend’s wedding, and boy was I glad to be back home. Even thought there were a few parts of the trip that were eye opening to say the least, over all, I didn’t like this place one bit. As soon as I […]

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The Brenner File

There is no fucking chocolate in those pipes! So what is he building in there? We have a right to know. Cause I need caffeine late at night. Albeit from a shop that has dedicated a marketing team of escaped mental patients to sell hot chocolate to Chinese people. Those big strapping pipes that connect […]

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Mr Smyth

Father Christmas steps onto the stage – respectful applause. It’s not his first time at the Vanguard. You can tell. The bearded do-gooder laughs deeply from his entire diaphragm. Then silence. With a few cautious steps he inspects his surroundings. Just so as if he wanted to see, if everything is still where he left it […]

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